Why is the last month of deployment so hard?
“I should be happy!” I told myself at the end of deployment. “Why am I so cranky and angry at everyone?”
We had made it to the final weeks of our 6th deployment. It wasn’t an easy one, since I had 4 kids at home by myself all summer. But for the most part, things were going along fairly smoothly. Until the day I got the phone call with his exact return date. At first I was excited and jumping for joy! But the next day, a tremendous wave of exhaustion and frustration hit me out of nowhere. And it stayed. For weeks.
I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to give up. With the end of deployment in sight, I felt like I was dragging myself to the finish line. It was almost over! So why was the last month so hard?
With the end of #deployment in sight, I was dragging myself to the finish line. #milspouse Click To TweetIt turns out that deployment is one big psychological game. And it can get the best of you at any time. The end of deployment is so hard because we expect that it will be the easiest and most exciting. When it turns out to be challenging and stressful, we are doubly disappointed. This shocking experience can be depressing and frustrating, especially if you don’t understand it. The more you berate yourself for not being overjoyed, the worse you will feel.
What makes the end of deployment so hard?
You suddenly have a deadline and a to-do list
The last month is usually filled with tons of tasks and chores. We go into a flurry of activity to have everything done before the deadline. Because of course the house must be deep-cleaned. And the garage must be rearranged. And we have to make Homecoming signs. (I say this sarcastically, because these are made-up and often unrealistic goals military spouses place on themselves.)
Honestly, the service member won’t care about most of those things. They probably just want to shower, sleep, and eat a good meal. So stock up on his or her favorite groceries, and focus on the important chores: make sure their car is working, and make adjustments to the car insurance and cell phone bills. If you need to do last-minute cleaning, stock up on supplies with this affiliate link.
Homecoming means change, which can be stressful
We expect that Homecoming will be a joyous occasion. But the end of deployment brings a lot of change to our lives. It can be good changes (like sleeping with your husband again!) or bad changes (like hearing his alarm go off at 5 AM every morning). Any kind of change is stressful, even happy change. Our mind and body react to stress, even before we realize it is happening. If you’re suddenly feeling sick, worn out, or exhausted, it’s probably because of the stress.
You’re out of time to accomplish big goals
You may get frustrated with yourself when you realize that the deployment is almost over, and you didn’t accomplish everything you wanted to. You didn’t lose 20 pounds. You didn’t learn a new language. Heck, you never even decorated the living room. Instead of doing crazy things (yes, I once stayed up past midnight the night before Homecoming doing a painting project!) take a breath and realize that none of these things HAD to happen during deployment. Then look back at the small things you have accomplished. You may be surprised and proud when you realize everything you have done.
Having a Deployment Brag Wall is a great visual tool to help you focus on all your positive accomplishments, even the little ones. Read more about how to make a deployment brag wall here.
You’re about to lose some independence and control
Despite all the challenges of deployment, there are some slight silver linings. Most spouses say their favorite thing about deployment is the ability to control their own schedule, watch their own TV shows, and make plans with their friends. As much as we want our spouses home, we realize that we will be sacrificing the remote, plus time for our hobbies after they return. We may feel silly for mourning these things, but it is better to respect your emotions than to stuff them and ignore them.
Get more deployment encouragement and support from my free Deployment Group on Facebook, or through the Deployment Masterclass.
At the end of deployment, kids start acting out
As the countdown gets closer, kids react to stress, too. And they may react in crazy, stupid ways, like suddenly talking back, or refusing to go to school, or not wanting to sleep alone. This is really hard to handle when you are feeling wound up and anxious yourself. Try to be extra patient with them. A little extra screen time for a few weeks doesn’t make you a bad parent! Another idea—try NOT telling them the Homecoming date until that morning! (especially since it is so likely to change!)
You worry about the unknown after deployment
There are so many what-ifs about Homecoming. Whether it is your 1st deployment or your 10th, those butterflies in your stomach never go away. You aren’t quite sure what your loved one will be like when they come home. You worry he or she may not like your new haircut, or weight gain, or the household décor (don’t worry, they will love you no matter what! And they will probably be proud of what you did with the house too. Or just not care, haha). If there is a new baby, you worry about how they will react to each other. So even though we want to rejoice at Homecoming, these nagging insecurities and worries won’t go away.
You have to prepare for the next step
If only military life ended the day after deployment! But no, we know that as soon as they come home, they begin to prepare for the next one. Or you are preparing for the next big change in life: new orders, time away at school, a PCS move, a new baby. You crave some down time to just relax and be a couple together. But part of you knows that the days will be filled with paperwork and financial discussions. If you are feeling overwhelmed by all the future challenges, before you have even recovered from deployment, then try to make the most of the post-deployment leave block. Schedule some time for you to get away and relax, even for a day. Do something that makes you laugh together. And remember that you can always get free, confidential counseling through Military One Source.
When the end of deployment is in sight, we realize the burden we’ve been carrying
Once you get into your deployment routine, you find your rhythm and your own sense of normal. You don’t even realize the burdens you carry, because these challenges become your everyday routine. But once the end date is announced, you realize there will come a time when you don’t have to sleep alone, mow the yard, pay every bill, repair the cars, watch the kids every minute, etc. When you become aware of all your burdens, they suddenly feel impossible to carry. The thought of mowing the yard even one more time can drive you mad!
I have seen this happen overseas too, when we finally got orders to return to America. I suddenly realized all the daily challenges of overseas living that I couldn’t wait to be done with. That’s why we struggle so much with “dropping our pack” at the end of deployment. (That means giving up.)
Don't drop your pack at the end of #deployment. Finish strong! #milspouse Click To TweetDon’t give up at the end of deployment!
Face those fears and insecurities. Make sure you have reasonable expectations for yourself and your spouse. Talk to another military spouse about how you feel, because the chances are that he or she has been there before, too. And try not to dump too much of your worries on your spouse. Remember, they are experiencing their own challenges and heightened stress levels at the end of deployment. They are exhausted and want to drop their pack, too. But just hang in there until the end: YOU CAN DO IT!
You may also find help in my article about Reintegration. It discusses the normal challenges that couples face after Homecoming.
So much of this article is so familiar to me. Although it’s been quite a while since our last deployment, many of these same points apply to shorter separations too. Whenever he’s gone for training for three weeks, the last three days are the worst. I’ve definitely found that the only way to keep sane is not to do any extra work that I wasn’t already planning on doing in that time. Sure he comes back to a messy house half the time. But he usually doesn’t care, and we’re both happier for it!
That’s so true, thanks for sharing! Yes, I think so many of us get caught in ‘nesting mode’ at the end of deployment — wanting to clean everything and finish everything. But you’re right that there is usually no need for that, and taking care of yourself and your sanity can mean a lot more to him than a clean house!
I’m so glad I found this article. My husband is back in 10 days…. And today I broke down… Realizing that I have been doing everything on my own, being pregnant and taking care of my 18 months daughter… I tried to share with him some of my feelings, but he doesn’t seem to grasp the reality of it. Thank you again… Now I will cry and rest and take my time and not feel guilty.
Yessss, it’s a normal stage, and I’m so happy I could help you during this time!
I don’t like this article. Our lives are all about them. Not all military spouses get to be dependas. Some of us work outside the home, care for our children, cook, clean, kids sports, appointments and care for dogs. I’m not the least bit worried about him resting, having a warm meal and deep cleaning a house. He can pick up a mop. I don’t care if his vehicle is perfect. We all know that sit around just like they did prior to deployment. Just in the way. When he gets back I’m headed to somewhere that I can get a break. He can cook, clean, get kids off to school, homework and him go to work.
That’s totally understandable– military spouses represent a diverse population, and every couple has their own expectations about household responsibilities.
This article was mostly focused on the stress and emotional burden that becomes even heavier at the end of a deployment. This is an experience that is universal across the military community. It doesn’t matter how many kids you have or don’t have, how many hours you work or don’t work, and whether or not you enjoy housework: the fact is that there’s an emotional strain at the end of deployment. It doesn’t just come from housework. It comes from all the responsibilities you’ve been shouldering during deployment. This article focuses on why that happens, ways to work through it, and the fact that no one should feel like they are having the “wrong” emotions if they suddenly feel exhausted or overwhelmed instead of happy when they get close to the return date.
Things do not need to be “perfect” at the end of deployment. The article said that. The important thing is to focus on what each of you need as a couple to recover from all the time apart. If for you, that means time away in a quiet place alone, then that’s fine, and I hope it is relaxing and refreshing to you!
Thank you sooooo much for this! I needed to find this today!!!
You’re welcome! I hope it encouraged you, and I’m so glad you stopped by.
Thank you so much for your article. It was just what I needed to read tonight. My husband won’t be returning until June but I have been dealing with a lot of anger with him gone and anxiety about his return. We have endured 7 deployments/tours before and this will be our longest at 13 months. Covid has done a number on me and depleted our resources for help that we normal could go to during these times. I’m currently raising our 4 boys at home, teaching 3 of them online schooling. The other is a toddler so naturally I’m busy constantly and have been very isolated over the past 11 months. I find myself struggling here at the end and it’s very frustrating for me not understanding why. However, reading this seemed to pinpoint those reasons. I especially liked that it mentioned how when they come home it’s something else…PCS, etc. We will be PCSing two weeks after my husband returns and my kids and I are really worried about connecting, but now have an impending move as well. I’m praying I can roll with it all and take your advice. Thank you so much seasoned spouse! Also, it’s wonderful to read other spouses and their comments. Its made me feel not so alone..thank you to all of you milspouses…you’re doing a great job! You’ve got this and you’re truly amazing!!!
Wow, you are amazing and doing such a great job. That is a LOT of stress to handle the end of deployment and a PCS right after. Of course you’re going to be struggling physically and emotionally! Try to listen to your body and take care of yourself here at the end. You have accomplished so much and have a lot to be proud of. I’m so glad you found this post and gained encouragement here!!!
Thank you so much. My husband is returning home tomorrow
Congratulations, you made it! I hope this offered some encouragement to help you get through the final night alone!
I am feeling this way right now. Even worse during these unprecedented times. I have gone through so much more during this deployment. Raising a 2 and a 6 year old during school shutdown and working full-time from home….alone. Quarantine was a true test of my emotional resilience. I’m excited for my husband to come home but I am nervous too.
I hear you, and I’m sending you a huge huge hug! These are crazy times, and you have accomplished so much to be proud of!
I greatly appreciated this article/post because I have been feeling this way. It’s our first deployment and first year of marriage. As most newlyweds I anticipated/envisioned our first year of marriage being about creating new memories through date nights, day trips, vacations, and gatherings with friends, etc. but no sooner then the ink dried on our marriage license my spouse was deployed. As someone who’s been a military dependent my whole life I thought it would be relatively easy. But I was wrong, it’s been hard. I didn’t realize, prior to the deployment, just how much joy, happiness and stability my relationship brought to my life. This year has felt like a loss in many ways…or a pause on the things that I love and want to share with my spouse. I thought at this point of the deployment (the last month) I would be filled with so much excitement that all I’d feel is peace of mind, but instead I often feel stressed, overwhelmed, or a sense of sadness and uncertainty. So much of what you wrote is spot on to what I am feeling and what I needed to hear/read today. As a military spouse it often feels like you’re going through it alone but it’s nice to knows others have felt similar to how I am feeling now. Thank you for these words.
Although not everything about this applies to me, a large portion does. My husband has been gone for 9 months and we’ve been married for a little over a year. He will finally be home in a couple months. I am an emotional wreck because I felt like the end was never in sight, but now it is!! I have managed to lose 85lbs since he’s been gone, so I can’t wait for him to see me. We also got a new place last month that he has been able to see through facetime and photos, but I can’t wait for him to fall in love with it in person. This has definitely been of the toughest phases of my life I’ve ever been through. Thank you for writing this article! I pray for everyone’s safety and that we all get through this holiday season and have a good time with people we love.
Kaylee, I’m so happy for you that he is coming home soon! Reintegration can be a real roller coaster, but just hang in there a little longer. You’re right, there is a lot to look forward to, so keep focusing on that light at the end of the tunnel!
Thank you for this article! My husband isn’t deployed but has been at sea for 3 months and because of COVID it has basically felt like a full deployment! He’s coming home in the next few weeks and I’ve been sooooo grumpy! This was a nice pick-me-up to know that it’s not just me haha.
You’re so welcome, it’s a great relief to know you are normal and not alone, right? Hang in there just a little longer!
Thank you for this. First deployment and he’s been gone for 6 months. Original date back was in March and since he left we bought a house, I moved us in, went through covid/quarantine etc, and had knee surgery. We have 10 days left before he’s back and the weight today feels unbearable, much worse than the 5 extensions we went through. I couldn’t figure out why or point to a specific emotion but your post sums it up pretty well so thank you again!
You’re welcome, I’m so glad you found it helpful and relatable. Hang in there! The end is tough, but it DOES end! Hugs to you.
Our first deployment started in January and he should be home in 30 days, give or take. I can’t imagine doing this as newlyweds ( married 29 years) or with small children! Everything has been so crazy with COVID-19, but we’ve managed to make it work! Thank you for your articles. I’ve enjoyed reading each one.
I am so glad to hear that you are nearing the end! I’m honored that my articles were part of your deployment journey. This year has been crazy–I cant imagine a more stressful situation, but you made it through! Good luck and big hugs to get you through the final weeks!
You’re welcome! I think everyone struggles with these emotions near the end, so you definitely aren’t alone. There’s nothing wrong with you, so don’t feel bad about the to-do list. Try to focus on the good things and new opportunities that are right around the corner at Homecoming!
Oh my God. I just found your article. My husband will be home in 18 days and the sleepless nights have began. I suddenly get so much energy all days and my brain won’t stop.
I’ve been working from home since décembre due to Covid and having a 2 year old is challenging but I’m super excited to see him soon. This is our first deployment since we’re married. And probably the last as he finish his contract soon.
I guess I’m “lucky” because the deployment here in France lasts only 4 months (6 months maximum) I can’t imagine lasting longer than that.
Thank you for keeping me sane and feeling normal with your article. It’s good to know that many share the same opinions about deployment.
I’m so glad you found my site. You’ve done well and made it so far! The end is definitely tough, so hold on and know you aren’t alone!
Thank God I’m not the only one. My husband is returning today and I’m leaving to pick him up in an hour. It’s our third deployment, but the first one being married. He left a few weeks after getting married and with purchasing a property, managing contractors, the financials that need to be dealt with when building a house, raising a puppy and temporarily living with his mother- I feel it’s been a load. And that in addition to lock down and losing my job. The last week, I’ve been cleaning and getting groceries, cooking and baking and preparing for his return. Everyone is asking how excited I must be. To be honest. I just realized what I had to deal with on my own the last couple of months and my excitement is not really showing. Before finding your article I was worried. Shouldn’t I be so excited, after all we are still somewhat of newlyweds and I should be so thankful he’s almost home. Something must be wrong, right? Not feeling overjoyed should be a bad sign- but thankfully it’s not. It’s going to be ok. It’s just my burdens of the last months, realizing what I dealt with by myself. And what I didn’t manage to do: losing weight, studying so hard for my MBA, learning Italian and keeping the house spotless. I’m not robot, functioning all the time. But I made it. We made it. And we’ll be fine. We’ll adapt and adjust and we’ll be happy being together again. Thank you for your article. It had helped tremendously. I’ll put on my big girl pants now, put on some Make-up and head towards his base to pick him up.
Yes indeed, I’m so glad to hear this helped you when you needed it most. Absolutely, you have dealt with a LOT and it’s normal to be completely out of steam. But the important thing is… you made it! He might be drained too, so be patient, but you both have lots to celebrate!
My wife has been deployed for 5 months…. I’m wiped out. Taking care of my 9 year old son and 79 year old MIL who has dementia. The last month is definitely the hardest. You have all sorts of thoughts going through your head… I just want my wife to return safely and to give her a big kiss and hug. I feel like half of my heart is 7000 miles away…. Some days better than others. Having my faith is a blessing…. God bless all the military spouses out there.
Thank you, and God bless you too Peter! You are doing a great job and staying strong for everyone. Take a few moments to relax when you can, to refresh and restore. It feels like the exhaustion will never go away, but hopefully it will soon! Just hang in there a little longer!
My husband is returning shortly for his R&R… yeah…. deployment during COVID…and we PCS’d just before his departure so he hasn’t ever been in our house. He’s been on plenty of long TYD’s and we’ve adjusted to his return a handful of times but this is the longest he’s been gone and the complication of COVID and kids being home non-stop for a year has been an extra burden. We actually got COVID and recovered from it a few weeks ago so after I got official word he was coming back a wave of exhaustion came over me. It’s like we spend all these months being strong and carrying the load alone and the news of having relief somehow takes you to you knees. I’ve decided NOT to clean and prepare for him this time. The article is so right… they don’t really care about it, so why kill yourself over the idea of “perfection”.
I’m so sorry to hear that you had all that extra stress and burden while he was gone. It’s no wonder you feel exhausted! Glad you can relate to the article though. Just do what you need to do and get to the finish line. It will all work itself out from there!
This is our 1st deployment and I never thought it would be this hard. We are at the last 2 weeks and for some reason I woke up this morning not feeling excited, honestly I was rather frustrated/angry with the whole thing. Then I proceeded to feel sad/guilty for getting upset. I couldn’t understand why I felt this way. I found your article and all I can say is thank you! It’s hard to get out of your head sometimes and realize that there are other spouses out there who understand and know exactly what your going through and can help you sort it all out.
Thanks! I’m so glad to be able to help! Yes, it’s an absolutely frustrating time, but I think it helps to know that all those emotions are “normal” and just part of the stress cycle. I hope you can keep steady and stay strong for the next few weeks, knowing that the end is in sight! 🙂
I really appreciate this article. I had gotten married in April and my husband deployed in November – I felt like we only got the chance to be “roomates” and didn’t really get to experience living together as newlyweds. I went to the store the other day got ready bought groceries and then came home and finally had a chance to sit down. Suddenly a wave of guilt fell over me and I broke down because I realized that my independence had become so much greater than what it was and now that I knew his coming homecoming date I just feel so anxious. I never want to do anything. I can’t sleep and the uneasy feeling in my stomach won’t go away. I now know that it isn’t just me. This is also my first deployment. First everything regarding being involved with military and the process has been such a transition. This article brings me some kind of peace. So I thank you for that.
You are so welcome! I know it isn’t easy, but there is definitely comfort in understanding the deployment cycle, and knowing that many others are experiencing these same emotions. It will work out, but it may take some time, so just keep going 1 day at a time!
i’m so glad i found this. my partner is navy and our relationship started 2 months before a 7-month deployment so i really needed to read this and feel my emotions and fears about him coming home in a few days’ time validated. even though it’s a positive thing, it’s not always all sunshine and rainbows, right? emotions are complicated! thank you for sharing this, especially for someone as lost as me to find. i needed it.
You’re welcome! I’m glad you found this page, and it’s certainly normal to have a mixture of emotions. Wishing you a smooth and successful Homecoming! *hugs*
So good to read others have the same feelings.
My partner got back from a 6 month deployment two weeks ago then has had to go on 4 weeks training straight after. This coincided with his uncle getting seriously ill near death so he literally shut down before he went on training and isn’t replying to my messages. Without doubt this is awful and much worse than any other deployment after. We saw each other only afew times before he had to go again. I’m giving him space to contact me when hes ready now. Feels awful though
So sorry to hear your post-deployment time gas been so stressful. That has to be so hard on both of you.
When there are major stressors right after deployment, it delays the Reintegration stage. Many of those emotions and adjustments won’t come out until later, probably after this training. So it will take longer than usual to get back to ‘normal.’
You’re doing the right thing being patient and giving space. Stay strong and hang in there a little longer!